本研究的目的，在檢視我因為妻子罹患癌症而成為一位家屬照顧者開始，到喪妻之後在中年時，離開國立大學教職，從多元自我認同可能性中，選擇成為一位諮商心理師的自我認同轉換歷程。在自我敘說的檢視歷程裡，我領悟到自己在伴侶、父親和癌患家屬照顧者三種角色的交織之下，所經歷的受苦經驗及其對意義的再次建構。妻子過世後，成為喪偶者的哀傷調適歷程，使我落入人生的低谷。現在的我，在現任伴侶及子女們的支持下，選擇放下大學教授與企業高階主管的專業認同，希望成為一位諮商心理師。面對心理師的轉換認同，我再次與過去的生命經驗交會，重新產生連結，也為身為癌患家屬照顧者的受苦歷程，賦予永恆的意義；我也重新發現自己在失去所愛之人時，為了承擔父親的角色，而未能完成的哀傷任務，對孩子和自己造成的影響和遺憾，期望能在時猶未晚之前進行彌補。藉由敘說，我紀念我人生中最重要的一段日子，寫著，我仿佛看見往日……就像我曾經寫下對妻子的思念：「一起買的房子會變舊，一起養的孩子會長大，只有一起種下的花，每年都會開花，留下香氣，就如同你還在我身邊。」

This study aims to investigate my transition journey from a professor to a counselor, via the role of family caregiver for my wife in cancer and many other choices of possible identities. The result of self-inquiries make me learned the influences of suffered experience of the intertwined threefold self-identities as a husband, a father and a family caregiver. As a widower with deep sadness, I had been walking through the valley of my life in the shadow of death of my late wife. Until now, with selfless supporting of my present wife and grown-up children, I decided to transit my professional identities from a faculty member as well as a high level executive in business to be a counselor working majorly for the groups of family in cancers, for helping them go through the shadow of death and escorting them to cherish the present moment while the loved one is still around. Finally, when the arrival of bereavement, the departed one can be rest in peace, all the living ones can live in rest as well. I wish that the self-identity of being a counselor can re-link the experiences of being a family caregiver and reconstruct a unique meaning to the suffering process. Additionally, in the process of self-narrating, I re-found the influences and regrets on myself and my children for the unfinished mourning tasks, in the hurried shift of focus to the role as a father rather than a heart breaking husband. And I understand that a course of action must be taken for make up the regret before too late. While I narrate, I remember the most important period of my life. All the old days seems relive in the words. As I once wrote for my late wife: “the house we have is worn-down, the kids we reared are grown up, only the flowers we planted spread their fragrance every year, as you are still by my side….”

第一章、緒論 1
一、研究動機 1
二、研究目的 3
第二章、文獻探討 5
一、癌患家屬照顧者的壓力與調適 5
二、哀傷反應與調適 7
三、癌症家庭的哀傷調適 10
四、喪偶男性的哀傷調適 11
五、自我認同與生涯轉換的交互影響 13
六、自我敘說與生命經驗轉化 15
第三章、研究方法 20
一、文本內容 21
二、研究分析工具 22
第四章、自我敘說與反思 24
一、序曲：人生賽軌的小跑車 24
反思之一：全力奔向明確的人生軌道 25
二、震撼：被癌症從上昇軌道上震落 26
反思之二：放慢速度過夾彎 27
三、求生：風雲突起前途不明 28
反思之三：從被照顧者學習成為照顧者 29
四、緩解：美麗而致命的誤會 31
反思之四：只要有夢就去追 31
五、復發：死神再度靠近的腳步聲 32
反思之五：只要活著一天，就認真過日子 34
六、哀傷：彷彿我也死了一半 35
反思之六：封存悲傷，日子還是要過 38
七、撐住：為了孩子，咬牙苦撐 39
反思之七：記憶中的媽媽味道 40
八、重組：告別、安置與重新得幸福 42
反思之八：一定要照顧好自己的遺愛 43
九、起念：安心與變心 44
反思之九：冥冥中註定的生涯轉折 45
十、再出發：航向意義實現的道路 47
反思之十：在重要他人身上看到我的存在意義 47
十一、未完：生命的故事還有續集 48
反思之十一：花香與回憶的力量 49
第五章、結論與討論 50
一、省思的再檢視 50
二、結論 51
三、未來課題 52
參考文獻 54

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